Comedy · Humor · Life

Badger Beginnings…

So as I said in my intro I inherited the spawn of Marley. Now don’t get me wrong I love our dog. But he is the biggest pain in the ass. Here is a list of what scares him:

-Everything

Ok let me start from the beginning. I grew up in a two bedroom apartment…well that’s another post at a different time. Growing up we had cats, one hampster that said cats ate, a turtle for a day, crawfish that we found on the creek by our apartment, a baby bird that we nursed back to health with hot dogs. But never a dog. I NEVER thought I would have a dog. Because most of the time Its hard enough to take care of myself. But I met my fiancé and she is my best friend so naturally I have a dog now. It blows my mind that of all the dogs she had the opportunity of adopting she chose Badger. Yes his name is Badger. My mom like to call him groundhog or any other rodent name she can think of.

So it’s easy to say it has been a transition for me. But it has been good for me. I needed the responsibility and a running buddy… so I thought. Let me describe our first run together…

A nice day not that hot. I’m ready to push myself. My fiancé told me he was good with runs and that she used to take him all the time for 3 mile runs. Which is how long I run because it sticks in my head from my old boxing trainer “if you don’t run atleast 3 miles you are cheating yourself”

A runner my ass…we start and he takes off. We have those retractable leashes that at full speed a dog can dislocate your shoulder. So less than a quarter of a mile in he nearly pulls me over so I speed up and pass him thinking if I’m ahead of him I’ll be ready. This little shit stops. Not like a slow gradually slow down. It’s a dead stop on a dirt track. This one takes me down. Thank god it was an empty track. No one to see me with dirt stuck to my head, arms and legs. And with the rolls in the dirt it got to the unmentionable places. Nothing like dirt in your ass cheeks grinding with every stride. It was 3 miles of him taking off after every bird, squirrel, dog, cat, and a rabbit. I never thought the zoo would show up for my run.  I forgot to preface he is a Austrillian Cattle Dog. Which from reading this dog can smell a fart from a mile away. So not only was the zoo there but every smell required a stop for him to smell and an attempt to mark when by the half mile mark he was shooting blanks.

After my first run I was determined to get him trained for runs. I like running with a dog. You are more worried about him rather than the fact your chest is burning because you are so out of shape.

So I worked and worked with him. He learned the phrase “wait” which means slow the fuck down I like my shoulder in my socket. Or “stop” which means I can’t breath and really I need to stop and your stamina is making me feel bad about myself.  So yeah those two phrases to me meant he was trained and we could run together.

I’d mix in some fetch and we would get in some 100 yard sprints and I would try to beat him but damn he is fast. He loves me though. I think he would slow down so it was closer then it would have been. Switch up the scenery. Go to different tracks.

Oh shit side note…my a.d.d. One time we went to this track at columbine high school. I really think this is when we both bonded. We are 2 miles in and this lady walks up to the track and lets her dog off the leash and starts to run. Mind you she does this right as we are taking the corner she decides to enter. Her dog walks right up to us. This is like our 3rd run together so my first thought is “oh god please don’t nip at this dog. She could sue and who knows what happens after that.” (I don’t know the dog lovers world and what goes on in that weird world I don’t understand) so I turn around and take off running. He follows right along. We stop and the lady finally realizes her dog is not with her and calls him back. We sit on this bench to calm down for a second and as they walk by we both stare them down as long as we can. Literally in unison death stare for her and her asshole poodle. I like to imagine he was thinking the same thing I was “you aren’t special in your designer workout gear and dog…well you are a poodle” he probably wasn’t but I still like to think he was.

If you haven’t realized yet I’m quite the asshole. And he is too. That how we get along. He thinks it’s funny to see where your walking and run in front of you and stop. Which pisses me off when it happens to me, but when he does it to everyone else. It’s hilarious. You will hear a lot more about him but it just seemed like the perfect place to start with my story. We’re just a man and a dog that bonded over assholeness.

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