Comedy · Humor · Life

Parachute Proposal and 9th grade Woes

As I set on the biggest day of my life I felt more emotions then I ever thought I could have. I met my fiancé a little over a year prior. She was the one. There was zero doubt about that. Today was the day I was going to ask her to marry me.  The fears that day were my internal demons. Let me tell you why.

9th grade I had a Colorado history class. I hated it. I can’t remember my teachers name but I hated his class. The kid who sat behind me was a mouth breather. I had known him since 6th grade and it was before I had become this asshole I am proud to be. So I wasn’t going to say anything. I was just going to sit there and let it bother me for an hour every day for an entire school year…but this kid, constantly. I’m getting irritated just thinking about it. I could have tossed that 75 pound book that they gave us at him that I never cracked. Not to mention the teacher smelled like my trash can when I clean out the fridge and didn’t take the trash out for a couple days. You know that smell. Wanna gag? Yeah my gag reflex on the normal is equivalent to a night of tequila drinking and getting the dry heaves at the end of the night sitting over the porcelain throne. So needless to say if he asked if I needed help, I said no before the sentence was even completed. Just leave me alone please! the carpet in this classroom depends on it. Just go away smelly!

In class we had gotten into groups to read our papers to each other. What we didn’t know is that we were going to have to pick one person in each group to read their paper in front of the entire class.  They chose me. I didn’t think this would be a problem. Since I was 5 I had been doing choir, plays (most of which I had a lead role…yeah I was good. Not cocky I just was talented, so suck it) So being up in front of people wasn’t anything new to me. I mean I had sung solos in front of hundreds of people. And as I like to say they probably felt like they heard the voice of an angel. To those people…You’re welcome. But this day…This day was different. I walked up to the front of the class and sat in what I remember to be the most uncomfortable stool chair. Like come on man you are going to make us sit in this stool that was made by the devil? Spring for the pull over cushion. I mean I know you had the extra money from the lack of deodorant purchases. So I sit down and look up at the class. And BOOM it hits. Like I got punched in the stomach and couldn’t breathe, palms sweating (sticking to my paper) and that’s the first time I ever actually started shaking when in the spotlight, to the point I couldn’t read the words. But me, I’m a fuckin trooper so I tell myself get your shit together let’s do this. I go to read the first line and nothing comes out. Just more shaking which I know was visible to everyone (including the girl I asked homecoming a couple of weeks later, She said no) The teacher instead of doing the right thing walking to the front of the class to talk to me. Blurts from the back of the class “Take a deep breath you’re fine. Let’s start over.” Let’s start over? Bitch I haven’t gotten through the first line! Let me sit down why do I need to read this stupid paper anyways? But he wasn’t going to let me get out of this. So I push through in the shakiest voice you’ve ever heard. Only thing I can compare it to is a Kristen Stewart scene in the movies she gets confused in…which is every movie. You know what im talking about “eh, ah, (insert uncontrollable head shake) eh ah…Edward!”  It was horrible! Most kids took 4 minutes maybe 5. I was up there for what felt like 2 hours but I think it ended being 30 mins for a 2 or 3 page paper.

This scarred me for life. From then on it was stage fright whenever I was in front of a crowd. Including a show with a band I was in where I completely forgot the lyrics as soon as the chorus came up. My time to shine, and with the whole band looking at me like what the fuck are you doing? And all I could do was mouth to them “I don’t remember the words”

So back to the big day. I love this girl and even though I had been married once before (biggest mistake of my life. That whore liked to fool around with her grandpa of a boss for money…prostitute. Yes my first wife was basically a prostitute. Another story another time. Live and learn right?) this was the real deal. No mistake here. I knew with every piece of my heart that this girl got me and I wanted to spend the rest of my life taking care of her. I had gotten permission from her parents. Shaky voice during that too. Her dad said “take care of her! I wouldn’t want to have to pull out my gun” That was unsettling. Only to find out he doesn’t own a gun! I’m going to use that for my future daughter’s boyfriend one day. Well me being the hopeless romantic I am decided I was going to do my best to go all out. Do it “Big Tyme” as Domingo Ayala would say

Our second date was a parachute show that I bought 2 tickets to. I had no one to go with but something told me to buy 2. We met shortly after so I asked her. Romantic shit huh? I know. Well as soon as I decided alright I’m ready to purpose Parachute announced a tour. So me being me I emailed them about 50 times asking them if I could purpose on stage at their concert and how perfect it would be. FINALLY they responded and they were all for it. It was awesome! Until I realized how many people would be there and 9th grade popped into my head. Im 31 now I was what 14 then? Heavy shit. What was even better, I had about 4 months to dwell on it. I got my parents, her mom, and her best friend to show up to tape it and so they could experience this amazing day with us. We got to the show and my first heart attack was when I walked in and they had a metal detector. In my head screams went off of “FUCK! It’s going to be ruined by a stupid machine because I bought a super nice ring that will set this off.” I contemplated shoving it down my pants so if it went off they wouldn’t find it in my pockets, Tossing it in the trash can that was on the other side of this separation table that kept the line moving through this stupid ass metal detector and going around and getting it after I passed through. I left it in my pocket and walked as fast as I could through that bitch. It didn’t go off…whew. Ok back to remembering in a few hours I would be proposing to my girlfriend. So beer o’clock it was! (On an empty stomach mind you. I couldn’t eat at dinner in the fear of vomiting on her on stage and becoming a YouTube sensation.) I kept her from looking up at the balcony behind us where everyone was besides my dad who said he needed a night out with his fiancé cause he didn’t want to hide and my girlfriend played right into it “Oh come to the show with us!” So he helped out “Geez (Insert her name here) why do you keep looking around” Best part was looking back and seeing her mom waving at me from behind 2 people thinking she was 007 smooth.

Then the time came. We heard the song they told me to head up for to get backstage because the next song “Forever and Always” was the song Will (the lead singer) and I had decided would work best to purpose to her. She knew we were going backstage to see one song that I had worked out with the band for our anniversary. Slick I know. We get backstage by then the bubble guts had kicked in and I honestly thought I was going to shit my pants and 9th grade was looming in my head. Besides the fact that I might shit myself the only other thing I remember was just staring at her and how beautiful she looked in that very moment. I wish I had a picture of it because wow, I am one lucky guy! The song starts and the part hits. Will starts his spiel. “Alright guys at this moment im gonna call out my good friend Doug” (yes I’m his friend now…I’m kind of a big deal) I walk out. The original plan was he was going to call me out and ask who I was with and I was going to call her out to the stage.

Will “So who is this here with you?” I turn around and she walked right out behind me. And I mean right behind me. We were inches from each other. Personal space honey. Her response was “I’m not going to miss my chance in the spotlight” God I love her!

Me “This is my girlfriend ____”

He hands me the mic. I had a speech prepared but by that time I had forgotten 99% of it. But I think it went something like “____ ______ I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. You took my son in as if he were your own. Nothing would make me happier than to spend the rest of my life with you. With that being said (Took out the bling and got down on one knee) Will you marry me and be my forever and always?”

She said yes of course and in 274 days I get to marry this amazing woman. I made it through it without a hitch and we even made Parachutes Facebook page. Pretty sweet right? Everyone was right on que with their “Awe’s” and high fived me on the way back to our seats. I still to this day can’t remember what I said but the outcome was exactly what I wanted. It was an amazing night and I didn’t shit myself! It’s definitely a night we will not forget and will be the super romantic day that it was official that I get to keep her for the rest of my life. So in the words of Tim Allen:

Suck it men, I win!


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