Comedy · Humor · Life

Nicotine Withdrawals

I love you…I hate you…Ok I’m good I love you again…What is your deal I can’t stand you…sorry I’m back I love you again…Oh my god I’m going to rip your head off!!

That’s basically how my weekend went. I have had some sort of nicotine going in my body for as long as I can remember. Started with smoking cigarettes because I wanted a break at work because I’m an idiot and it kept going from there. Smoked until I started training MMA and realized I needed to be able to breath so I switched to chew and then to quit chewing I switched to the gum and lozenges. I only quit because I know I need to. In all honesty I love chewing! When you see someone put a dip in your lip starts tingling and you need one then and there and when you get one it’s a sense of calm like no other.


Craving Chew

It’s been one addiction to another. I don’t know who it’s harder for when I try to quit. Me or the people around me. My fiancé would definitely argue the people around me.

So I got a pack of nicotine gum and I vowed it to be my last (Let’s just say I have a piece in my mouth right now). Cold turkey makes you a hot headed chicken with an anger issue. I have quit completely before but there is always a setback. Whether it be something that pisses you off or a night of drinking with friends that makes you feign until you break. You won’t understand unless you have been through it. It’s as simple as that. Lozenges are a huge help. Patches not so much. Once it becomes chew it becomes an oral fixation more than anything. So lozenges are great except for when you have dry mouth and your lips turn white and you can only compare that to a Dave Chappelle skit.

White Lips

I had Friday off so I hit the gym I was feeling great. I was thinking this is easy!! I got this. Then I got home and turned on my xbox and that’s where it all started. I crave it when I play video games. They just go together so well! Calm my nerves I care less about dying…Put that in and I’m ready to kill some motherfuckers (Call of Duty is my game of choice). I can feel it starting to kick in more and more. Get a kill and then as I’m blasting fools in the face point blank and they have time to turn around and shoot me once and I die?? WTH THIS GAME CHEATS!!! 5 rounds of team death match and I’m yelling at the tv about how it is cheating and making my K/D ratio crap.

Rage Quit


That’s where my weekend began.

Saturday wasn’t as bad. I played some more video games started my weekend cleaning. My son was playing a video game that would come back to bite me in the ass because apparently it is scary and I forget he’s a softy at heart. So that night was a lot of turning on enough night lights that the space station could see his room. He ended up falling asleep in our bed around 11pm. Sunday… Sunday started and my son is going camping for his mom’s birthday so I’m losing a day of my week and on top of that he is missing his first football practice so their camping trip is pissing me off. She picks him up and I go to the gym because that helps. I’m so on edge I can feel myself starting to fall over. Teeter tottering between I’m going to lose it and I’ll just shut my mouth before I piss everyone off.


The littlest thing was setting me off. Shit just left around the house, the dog, literally everything. Even the pillows on the bed weren’t right and I threw one against the wall because well, it listens about as well as badger to stay in place. Yes I was mad at a pillow…I’m not saying I’m rational when I’m in this state people come on. I made it to Sunday night. It wasn’t bad. I was beating my brother in fantasy baseball (He hasn’t beaten me in a year I might add) I was sitting good. Then I turned on the Giants game. I am a diehard San Francisco Giants fan. If you follow baseball you know it’s been a rough year.  I should have known better than to watch them. Its Giants vs Dodgers. The best rivalry in baseball. We are actually winning and I know they are going to blow it. Start sucking on jolly ranchers, pez anything to keep me busy and on the bright side. They blow the lead and I lose it. Well they blow it and Badger jumps up on the bed and his nails go into my leg and all rationality goes out the window. My dog is a human all of a sudden and im appalled with his disregard for other people and how he makes them feel. This is the conversation we had. Remember the state I’m in. Thinking about it now im laughing at myself and how stupid I am at this point and how bad I feel for my gorgeous fiancé.

*Giants Blow Lead*

Me “here you can have the remote honey I can’t watch this shit anymore they suck ARGH!!!!”

Fiancé “You sure”

Me “Yeah I’m done I hate baseball forever”

*Badger Jumps on the bed and nails right into my leg* (mind you he does this 10 times a night its nothing new tonight I just couldn’t handle it)

Me “God Dammit Badger! Do you not give a shit about how it makes me feel when you do that?”

*I swear he smiled at me*

Fiancé “Calm Down”

Me “You calm down! Did he just have complete disregard for your feelings? No it was my feelings that have been violated!”

*he’s sitting there waiting for me to throw his tennis ball that is now completely soaked and leaving wet spots on the bed. But this time it’s between my leg and the bed and I can feel the saliva absorbing into my shorts and now I can feel it on my leg. Let me describe badger waiting on the ground for his ball to be thrown. He does a little yelp and wobbles back and forth from leg to leg and then switches to an ear piercing bark. #CrackAddict*

Me “Goddammit badger my leg is wet I’m not throwing your ball that will teach you nothing! Honey why can’t he learn! He’s so bad! I can’t take it right now.”

Fiancé “That’s just badger. That’s always been badger” She is looking at like what the fuck happened to you.

Me “Badger you need to learn. I will train you if it’s the last thing I do. You need to care about other people’s feeling and how you make them feel when you do this shit.”

Fiancé “You need to calm down” (Famous last words to someone in this state)

Me “No I will not CALM DOWN! Look at him he looks like a fucking Crack addict waiting for this stupid ball look at him”

Fiancé “Well you are a fucking nicotine addict what’s the difference”


If she had a mic she could have dropped it right then. I couldn’t even argue that point so what did I do? I crossed my arms and turned away with a huff and a puff like I’m fucking 6. Because I was defeated. She just dropped the mic on my head into a hissy fit. So what does badger do? He crawls up onto the bed and lays on her leg in what I can describe as he looks the most comfortable he’s ever been and he looks at me an smiles. (This dog eggs me on I swear)

So let’s just say this weekend was rough and I was outsmarted by a dog. He won with the help of my soon to be wife. Ive met my match.

I bought nicotine gum this morning because I hate the person I am when I am like that and I can’t be that way at work I would be fired in ten minutes.

Honey I’m sorry for this weekend. Badger I do love you! Fiance I love you so much!  It will pass and I love you for putting up with me. You must really love me!


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